6 Reasons To Love/Hate Syllabus Week

1. Education?

Its the first week of classes, which means most of the time you won't have shit to do for at least a week; unless your teacher is an asshole and plans a million assignments to shove into a 10 week period. Attendance is necessary but attention most definitely is not. Facebook stalking is at its peak and everyone wants to see your drunken pictures from Saturday night and your "I got more blacked out than you" posts Sunday morning. The teacher will fill your ears with bullshit threats about absences and makeups, which you snark at because you know they're faulty and can easily be swayed. The syllabus is just like every other one you've received thus far, the only thing that concerns you is the schedule. You'll glance at it, decide you could probably wait a week to start half-ass glancing at the readings and head back to Facebook. You can basically show up to any class this week utterly f**ked up and it won't matter. Music will be on full blast while the peeping just begins.

2. Piece of Cl-ASS

At the beginning of every term there is a sense of curiosity that arises, one that has absolutely nothing to do with your course load. It is not because you are finally done with that horrific philosophy class or because you are excited to learn new material you'll never remember. The excitement stems solely on the new classmates you will be surrounded by...more importantly, the cute ones. Within seconds of sitting in a cold and rundown classroom, you have made your mind up about the entirety of the 10 weeks you will be forced to occupy this place and whether or not you're going to drop it. This once again has absolutely nothing to do with the course itself. You might find this claim to be entirely wrong, but don't kid yourself. If you enter a room that is filled with awkward people and awkward smells, you're definitely going to find another section to attend; one that includes friends and preferably attractive and stimulating people. Scoping out the sexiest person in the room takes seconds, walking over and introducing yourself..ehh 3 minutes give or take a little hesitation, study dates give that a week or 2, and if all goes well you could successfully be banging by week 5. Hello Winter Term.

3. The Untouchables

Similarly, just as quickly as you can spot the most attractive person, you detect the last one you would ever want to be associated with...and looks aren't everything. Every class has that one jackass who thinks they know more than the teacher or just wants to show everyone they have a brain, which they'll most likely be using a lot more than the other organ south of their belt line. These are the people who sit in the front row, ask a million stupid questions that are irrelevant, whom argue with everyone's statements and probably look like they haven't seen a brush or a mirror in days. I'm not sure why they try to compensate for their lack of good hygiene but either way, their crude remarks and annoying personality will surely ruin the class for you...even if you are sitting next to the hottest girl in the room. Whoops. I will also include the possibility of painstakingly having a class with your most hated ex. Have fun.

4. The Gym

Aside from education, this is the only other reason I am here. Although I must admit $20,000+ a year is slightly ridiculous for a piece of paper that proves you are competent enough for a job, I enjoy the perks of higher education, one absolutely being the fitness facilities. State of the art machines and cleanly environments make this one of the most popular places on campus, include the month of January into this equation and EVERYTHING before it is canceled out. For veteran gym rats, the beginning of winter term is one that is especially hated. Every cardio machine is being occupied by some slore trying to reach her new years resolution which she'll break in a week, maybe two if it takes her longer to get some male attention from a horny guy who "loves her just the way she is". Every bench is taken by an enthusiastic bro trying to "bulk up" for Shasta. Every free weight is the hands of someone on the verge of tearing muscles because proper form is in small amounts. What this all equates to is one big ball of frustration for those of us who actually use this facility year round. I will support anyone trying to change their lifestyle, so long as you do not get in the way of my fitness...and right now you are. I'll give it two weeks, and if you're still here then I'll applaud you. Until then, get the f**k out of my way.

5. Bye Bye Loan Money

It goes without being said that the only way to get a decent paying job is to attend college and receive a degree in something, anything for that matter. When the Gods of education decided to make the collegiate level worth more than I am myself, they incoherently also thought paying $600 for textbooks in order to learn was a good idea. Did they not take into consideration that we still need to eat meals occasionally, buy drugs and alcohol to survive, AND pay disgusting amounts for housing amenities? Assholes. I guess I'll skip a few meals so I can get drunk and still pretend to increase my knowledge about subjects I could give 2 shits about.

6. Sweats Are Unacceptable

With the holiday season in the past and credit card balances reaching their limits, everyone comes back to school with new duds and new style. As refreshing as it is to see a campus full of beautiful people, you can't help but complain about the unnecessary items some bitches wear. Heels? Like really? Absolutely not appropriate for class. This is not Los Angeles or New York...you definitely can get away with sneakers, Kardashian wannabe. Guys....do you really need to be wearing a purple Nike shirt, with purple shoes and matching Kobe Dre Beats? Probably not. The only reason we complain about this excessive shit is because they make us feel like a slob. We don't actually care what you accessorize with because we know in a week you'll be wearing sweats, hair tied, chillin' with no makeup on, just as Drake requested. This style is always in, as long as you're in college. Live it. Breath it. Be it. Put that nice shit away until the weekend hits...then you can ruin it with spilled alcohol and vomit.

Happy Syllabus Week.

♥ ,

T

6 People You'll Meet At A Frat Party

If you don't appreciate vulgarity, I suggest you stop reading now. If profanity doesn't offend you, then enjoy the stereotypical personas that every person who has attended college will be able to identify with... ;)

1. The Slut

This is the girl you'll probably spot first. Whether you're a male admiring her impossibly small skirt, or a female in a jealous rage and daydreaming about stuffing donut holes down her throat...She's grabbing the attention of everyone in the room. It will most likely be decked out in 3 feet of fabric and wearing her CFM shoes that accent her long, tan legs. Regardless of the fact that she is extremely fine, she's hammered drunk and hanging on any man interested in taking her home. This takes her from a 9 to a 2 in a split second. She'll become best friends with the girl who holds her blonde extensions as she calls on ralph and will definitely let everyone around see her goodies. This thing doesn't understand the concept of exiting a party when dignity leaves; she'll stick around to embarrass herself further with Nicki Minaj karaoke and sloppily stuffing her face with food she hasn't seen in days. Remember, this was the girl everyone was admiring just hours ago. Epic Fail.

2. The Bro

This entity is pathetically easy to spot. He's the juiced up, buzzed cut, meat head whose wearing a v neck tank and Ray Bans. He will definitely have a box of keystone light mounted on his perfectly sculpted shoulders and will be fist pumping his fake tanned arm in the air to Party Rock. He's increasingly obnoxious after each shotgun of keystone light and insists on arm wrestling you. After he loses because his muscles are actually inflated by steroids, he screams that he "wants to f**k you up" and that he wants you to "come at him." He'll end up face first on the bathroom floor and will probably go home with the slut.

3. The Foreigner

This person appears to be drunk as he slides his slimy hands down your sides attempting to grab ass. You soon realize he is in fact not drunk but culture shocked into believing that any walking creature with a vagina will sleep with him. He might even send you a text message at 11pm asking "when you going to let him tap that", which you undoubtedly ignore because you're unsure if he's an asshole or just foreign. You always seem to run into him during your nights out and he continues to make eyes at you that even the slut wouldn't acknowledge. Not all foreigners are this way though, so don't be offended by this post my foreign friends. You sometimes meet polite men with whom you end up drunkenly speaking Spanish with all night because it "feels right" and it's the only language you have in common. Regardless of how disrespectful they may be, acknowledge the ambiguity and be forgiving, or you will forever be that American girl who punched him in the face for asking if he can sleep with you.

4. The Asian Nerd (I specified nerd because not all Asians are nerds)

Scratch this...when do ever see an Asian nerd at a frat party? Unless it's Halloween or the Monday that all sororities become wet again...you can most likely find them in the library utilizing what we pay $20,000+ a year for, or in dixon playing basketball in jeans.

5. The Perpetual College Student

This fat f**k thinks he hotter than Chris Brown and just as black. He wears XXL plaid shirts, disgustingly tight skinny jeans and vans. He thinks he is dripping swag and can get any girl in the room. Bro, you don't look like you have style, you look like an Irish stuffed sausage. He'll be in the center of the room duggyin with his fellow white boy crackers and drinking anything handed to him. His Twitter feed consists of tweets about McDonalds, Bitches, and Alcohol...all of which equate to douchebag. You should probably stop eating McDonalds and spend that money on a gym membership, I hardly believe you have anyone wanting to sleep with you (unless they are insecure or unconscious), and you drink more alcohol than Lindsay Lohan, which is unattractive and not enticing. Needless to say, you have zero swag. Confidence is great, but you've gone beyond that and its embarrassing. Stop.

6. The Freshman

This specimen is always present at any party and any term. They usually show up fashionably early, with 10 girlfriends and one bottle of Burnettes. They take their first shot at 8pm and are drunk by 8:05. They begin dancing in a circle, yelling "this is SO much cooler than a high school dance" and "ohh mm gee, I hope my parents don't call me." By 8:30 they think its smart to drink 4 pulls like all the other rowdy college kids...only to remember they ate a hot pocket for dinner and soon realize that Burnettes...any flavor tastes like rubbing alcohol. They start "dropping it low" on any guy who asks them to dance (which is usually a senior guy weighing 265 pounds and sweating profusely), suddenly they start to gag...not knowing where the disgusting excuse for a bathroom is..they vomit all over the dance floor. Utterly embarrassed and drunker than a skunk, they run outside and make the treacherous walk back to the dorms, stumbling and crying all the way home. This freshmen is then woken up by the RA...confused as to why the RA is in their room, they realize they've passed out in the stairway of their dorm with their first hangover and a write up. Welcome to college.

Possibly the most controversial post yet, but whether you wish to acknowledge it or not, we have all met at least one of these obnoxious yet hysterically entertaining stereotypes...or we've been one ourselves. F**k it, it's college.

♥ ,

T

6 Ways Facebook Ruins Relationships.

1. Mystique Is Lost

New relationships are fun because we are still learning about someone and their lives. We are intrigued by their likes and dislikes, routines, and desires. Facebook takes this away with unnecessary status updates about every second of your life. "I just got home from work, soon i'll be going to bed, tomorrow i'll get up and go to school, and then i'll secretly fart." No one actually gives a shit about your life...They are only interested if you post pictures of excessive alcohol consumption, become pregnant, or start a hatebook fight with your arch nemesis. Leave something to the imagination because spontaneity is in and predictability is boring.

2. Changing Your Relationship Status

When you were in high school it was "cool" to change your relationship status as often as you changed your underwear. We've all been there and we've all done it. We changed our status so everyone could see we finally got someone to appreciate our chapped lips and studded belts. But now that we've grown older, we contemplate whether we need to change our status for the world to see and lets not fool ourselves into thinking its because we don't want anyone to know...because in reality we still want everyone to be aware. The reason we hold back?? Those home recking, alcoholic and scantily clad women whom no ones wants to date but everyone wants to fornicate. You probably just thought of the one trying to ruin your companionship now....or five. These slores take pride in ruining relationships, in fact they consider it a game. They're the ones that take pictures in their bikinis in February and dress like Pamela Anderson AKA no guy actually respects who or what they are...but for some reason still want to bang. There are male versions of the same species so don't get your boxer briefs in a wad guys. Point is, these creatures exist and almost always, sometime or another, ruin even the most pristine relationships.

3. Facebook Ruins Your Image

These days parents are now hacking into a database that used to be forgiving...the internet. No longer are inappropriate puns and drunk pictures appropriate. Your significant other's mother just adds you into her stalking network and you suddenly feel a pit in your stomach. She thinks you're as sweet as baby spice and smarter than Einstein. Do you accept or deny? Accepting means you're innocent image is tarnished and denying means you have something to hide..which you do...Everything. You accept because you're hoping she won't find your college photo album or maybe your vulgar blog site. She does though and you are now in a pickle. You want to continue dating her devilishly handsome son, but soon enough she'll realize you're nothing but trouble. I like to wear short skirts and heels, I have the mouth of a black rapper, and a dirty mind of an 18 year old boy...So what? I'm also a straight B student and rarely get speeding tickets. Does that matter? Yeah, right. Say goodbye to Thanksgivings and Church goings...you are never welcome again.

4. Pictures

This one hardly needs an explanation. It goes without being said that if you're within 6 feet of an attractive person that you want to take them to pound town. Obviously.

5. You Are Accessible By The Click Of A Button

At first thought, this might not seem like such a big deal...until the last person you'd ever want to associate with writes on your wall. You know that random person you drunkly made out with freshman year at a Sigma Chi frat party? The one you haven't seen since and cringe at thought of EVER running into again...they write on your wall saying they saw you on campus and hope you're doing okay. You contemplate deleting the wall post and their friendship, but its been up for 3 hours and you know the damage has been done. All the sudden you are getting interrogated like you robbed a bank. Did you actually see this person? No. Could they have possibly made it up to purposely ruin your new relationship with an insecure partner? Probable. Could it just have been an innocent attempt at conversation? Absolutely. But it did more damage than it did good. Why? Because apparently a relationship now means property management. Imagine that.

6. Check ins

Besides the fact that checking in is highly unnecessary; these harmlessly intended and sad excuses to depict an interesting life, can cause great damage in relationships. After your amazing date at the dollar theater and delectable meal at The Home Town Buffet you begin the drive home in your boyfriends beat down, neon green geo. The entire time you are only anticipating the sloppy make out session that will take place in your parents driveway. You leave his car with smeared make up and bad breath...but nonetheless can't help but fly to cloud 9. As you climb in bed to lay and dream about his luscious chapped lips...you see he checks in at a friends house. You are instantly sitting up and fuming. Didn't he just say he was going home to play xbox live with his cousin in Idaho? Why the hell is he at some guys house? This obviously means he is seeing someone else and is trying to hide it from you (even though he clearly posted it on his social networking site). You call him 15 times, he answers none of the phone calls and you leave five, ten minute voicemails screaming about how "you thought he was different from all the rest." After hours of tossing and turning, you finally fall asleep. You are woken up by a phone call from him saying he went to play xbox with his friends and didn't have service. Now, you look like an insecure idiot who he no longer wants to date. Thank you Facebook.

Think twice about making your relationship public. My advice would be to not even add your significant other, and if you are already friends....delete that sucker.

♥ ,

T

6 Things Women Wish Men Knew.

First edition, because lets be honest...the list is endless.

1. When we say to leave us alone...about 98% of the time we don't actually mean it. This only means we want you to try harder. We are just as complex as an a rubiks cube but ten times harder to understand. If you actually leave us alone, you've just started World War III and will soon receive copious amounts of texts explaining how you don't get us. It's okay, we don't get us either.

2. When you say you wish you could bang Alessandra Ambrosio, our first thought is, "Yes, she is a dime piece" and our second is, "But I thought you liked that I ate solids?" Our third is, "Well, I wish you looked like Channing Tatum and had the jaw line of Brad Pitt, but lets be realistic here."

3. We don't like to play video games. If we've just begun dating and we say we do, its only because we want you to sit really close to us and we enjoy how excited you get while explaining your favorite game. This makes us closer on a level that UNO can't provide. We don't actually care what we're supposed to do with the joy stick and which map on MW3 is the most fun. Once we're in a relationship though, we hate video games even more. It takes away from cuddle and romantic comedy movie time. Either way, we still hate video games.

4. We love men who feel the burn, and i'm not talking about herpes. A man who is conscious of his health is extremely attractive. Not only do we love the results but we love watching you work for it. There is something so sexy about a sweaty body and strenuous facial expressions. Ask us what we remember most about our gym trip and it won't be how many calories we burned on the elliptical, but the steamy guy doing shoulder press. Don't believe me? Look around next time after you've completed your set.

5. Don't listen to anything Cosmo has to say about us. Those people have clearly never had intercourse and their advice is entirely incorrect. Do not ever put an ice cube on my breast. Ever.

6. When you meet our families, take out your cubic zirconia earrings, take off your backwards hat and always, always have a firm handshake. Talk like you're in church and never mention us drinking alcohol together. Our fathers have been in college once before (or so we hope) and they know exactly what alcohol and the opposite sex leads to and that is the last thing he wants to picture when first meeting you, or ever for that matter. Oh, and don't bring flowers. Flowers mean you are sorry and yet again our fathers don't want to know what you're sorry about.

You're welcome.

♥,

T