If you don't appreciate vulgarity, I suggest you stop reading now. If profanity doesn't offend you, then enjoy the stereotypical personas that every person who has attended college will be able to identify with... ;)
This is the girl you'll probably spot first. Whether you're a male admiring her impossibly small skirt, or a female in a jealous rage and daydreaming about stuffing donut holes down her throat...She's grabbing the attention of everyone in the room. It will most likely be decked out in 3 feet of fabric and wearing her CFM shoes that accent her long, tan legs. Regardless of the fact that she is extremely fine, she's hammered drunk and hanging on any man interested in taking her home. This takes her from a 9 to a 2 in a split second. She'll become best friends with the girl who holds her blonde extensions as she calls on ralph and will definitely let everyone around see her goodies. This thing doesn't understand the concept of exiting a party when dignity leaves; she'll stick around to embarrass herself further with Nicki Minaj karaoke and sloppily stuffing her face with food she hasn't seen in days. Remember, this was the girl everyone was admiring just hours ago. Epic Fail.
2. The Bro
This entity is pathetically easy to spot. He's the juiced up, buzzed cut, meat head whose wearing a v neck tank and Ray Bans. He will definitely have a box of keystone light mounted on his perfectly sculpted shoulders and will be fist pumping his fake tanned arm in the air to Party Rock. He's increasingly obnoxious after each shotgun of keystone light and insists on arm wrestling you. After he loses because his muscles are actually inflated by steroids, he screams that he "wants to f**k you up" and that he wants you to "come at him." He'll end up face first on the bathroom floor and will probably go home with the slut.
3. The Foreigner
This person appears to be drunk as he slides his slimy hands down your sides attempting to grab ass. You soon realize he is in fact not drunk but culture shocked into believing that any walking creature with a vagina will sleep with him. He might even send you a text message at 11pm asking "when you going to let him tap that", which you undoubtedly ignore because you're unsure if he's an asshole or just foreign. You always seem to run into him during your nights out and he continues to make eyes at you that even the slut wouldn't acknowledge. Not all foreigners are this way though, so don't be offended by this post my foreign friends. You sometimes meet polite men with whom you end up drunkenly speaking Spanish with all night because it "feels right" and it's the only language you have in common. Regardless of how disrespectful they may be, acknowledge the ambiguity and be forgiving, or you will forever be that American girl who punched him in the face for asking if he can sleep with you.
4. The Asian Nerd (I specified nerd because not all Asians are nerds)
Scratch this...when do ever see an Asian nerd at a frat party? Unless it's Halloween or the Monday that all sororities become wet again...you can most likely find them in the library utilizing what we pay $20,000+ a year for, or in dixon playing basketball in jeans.
5. The Perpetual College Student
This fat f**k thinks he hotter than Chris Brown and just as black. He wears XXL plaid shirts, disgustingly tight skinny jeans and vans. He thinks he is dripping swag and can get any girl in the room. Bro, you don't look like you have style, you look like an Irish stuffed sausage. He'll be in the center of the room duggyin with his fellow white boy crackers and drinking anything handed to him. His Twitter feed consists of tweets about McDonalds, Bitches, and Alcohol...all of which equate to douchebag. You should probably stop eating McDonalds and spend that money on a gym membership, I hardly believe you have anyone wanting to sleep with you (unless they are insecure or unconscious), and you drink more alcohol than Lindsay Lohan, which is unattractive and not enticing. Needless to say, you have zero swag. Confidence is great, but you've gone beyond that and its embarrassing. Stop.
6. The Freshman
This specimen is always present at any party and any term. They usually show up fashionably early, with 10 girlfriends and one bottle of Burnettes. They take their first shot at 8pm and are drunk by 8:05. They begin dancing in a circle, yelling "this is SO much cooler than a high school dance" and "ohh mm gee, I hope my parents don't call me." By 8:30 they think its smart to drink 4 pulls like all the other rowdy college kids...only to remember they ate a hot pocket for dinner and soon realize that Burnettes...any flavor tastes like rubbing alcohol. They start "dropping it low" on any guy who asks them to dance (which is usually a senior guy weighing 265 pounds and sweating profusely), suddenly they start to gag...not knowing where the disgusting excuse for a bathroom is..they vomit all over the dance floor. Utterly embarrassed and drunker than a skunk, they run outside and make the treacherous walk back to the dorms, stumbling and crying all the way home. This freshmen is then woken up by the RA...confused as to why the RA is in their room, they realize they've passed out in the stairway of their dorm with their first hangover and a write up. Welcome to college.
Possibly the most controversial post yet, but whether you wish to acknowledge it or not, we have all met at least one of these obnoxious yet hysterically entertaining stereotypes...or we've been one ourselves. F**k it, it's college.
♥ ,
T
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